The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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No is not a dirty word. Follow author Natalie Lue's six-step plan to find your no so you can create healthier boundaries and reconnect with your values and authentic self. Podcast Episodes You May Enjoy Chatter & Your Inner Voice – Ethan Kross Everyday Vitality – Dr. Samantha Boardman Plays Well with Others – Eric Barker The Emotional Side of Retiring – Kate Schroeder It’s only by saying NO that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” Steve Jobs So although anyone can be a people pleaser, women are more likely to be simply because, thanks to patriarchy, men are less likely to be penalized for asserting themselves in even the most basic of ways, whereas many sections of society still frown upon women doing the same.

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing

Your boundaries are your needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions because these represent who you are and how you want to be, your values, preferences, principles, and priorities for living your life happily and authentically. They are your yes, no, and maybe, so in essence, the more you represent who you are by showing up and stepping up authentically and honestly, the healthier your boundaries are. If you’re not authentically saying yes and saying no when you need, should, or want to, you become incongruent with your values because you are not embodying your character or honoring your preferences and priorities. Give yourself the permission to say no to anything that makes you unhappy or drains your energy.” AnonymousBut this is nevertheless something we need to grapple with. For Brinkmann, it is not only a question of our psychological wellbeing – although it is that too. He writes that self-restraint and missing out are as vital for the global population as they are for us as individuals because “for so long our lives have been based on overconsumption, untrammelled growth and whittling away at our natural resources”. His arguments are compelling. Wise Quotes On Why We Say Yes – When We Really Want to Say No“I think a lot of the time we say yes because we are on some level afraid of what will happen if we say no. And that might be a very conscious thought in that moment, but often it’s more of a feeling that we have that we just almost automatically respond to it by saying yes.We like to make people feel good, and that means different things to different people. But in that moment, even though we might already know, I really, really don’t want to do that, we make that person feel good by letting them believe that that’s what we want to do. We like that. We like being thought of as nice and helpful and as unselfish and good. And these prompt us to say one thing on the outside and have a totally different thing going on internally. I think it is a habit.” On Boundaries“I wrote this book because I genuinely had discovered the healing and transformative power of saying no and having boundaries. And I make a point of saying that because I think that people see boundaries as saying no and telling people what to do. And a big thing that I learned about having boundaries was boundaries are about being more of who you really are. Because then we’re operating from a place of integrity, authenticity, and honesty.” On Your People Pleaser Entourage“What people discover when they start saying no is that they possibly have a people pleaser entourage, certain people in their life who benefit from them not saying no. Celebrities sometimes have that group of hanger-ons. And even though they’re blowing all their money none of these hanger-ons point that out because they don’t want to stop the gravy train. So a lot of people pleasers discover there are certain people who are really reliant on you just going along with things and that can feel very uncomfortable initially. What they also discover though is that a lot of the things that they were nervous about saying no to aren’t really that big of a deal.” Time and again, I’ve found that saying no and figuring out what I need to say no to paves the way to something so much better. Title: The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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I struggle to ask for help and fear being a burden and inconveniencing or discomforting others, resulting in routinely dismissing my own needs, expectations, desires, feelings, and opinions as my being oversensitive/needy/difficult/selfish/demanding. There's a lot of wisdom in Natalie's writing, but what was a struggle for me at first was getting through the writing style. I felt earlier on that some of the points could be made with fewer comma'd lists. In the end, this book has taken me nearly 7 months to finish. It seems it is more complicated to experience “#Jono” than Harding suggests in her book, which is full of sentences such as: “Ditch the guilt.” Reader, at this my laughter was bitter and hollow.Committing to someone who’s on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. This isn’t the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! They’re either in or they’re out! The aim of all this is to reduce the complexity of my life. Now, I try to work on no more than three projects in a day. Splitting attention between multiple tasks can leave you feeling out of control. Lots of solid advice mixed in with some repetitiveness and, of course, the overarching feeling I have routinely with self-help books: the strategies can be far too individual. If you answered yes to even one of these statements, you are a people pleaser. These are clues from your body, mind, and life that you do what for all intents and purposes might be “good things” but for the wrong reasons—and that’s what makes it people pleasing.

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing

The amygdala, the part of brain that manages fear, loves patterns so much that it prefers the familiar uncomfortable to the “danger” of the unfamiliar and is ever ready to protect us. That’s why much as we might moan about rules, we rely on them because they give us a false sense of control, even though being unconditionally compliant means that we wind up feeling more guilty and afraid. Many people pleasers beat themselves up for procrastination, seeing it as yet another flawed thing about themselves. Procrastination, though, is like a release valve providing temporary relief from the exhausting habits. Whether we’re aware of it or not, and whether we’re conscious of how and when it specifically manifests in our lives, it’s a form of self-protection. Yes, sometimes we do it because we’re delaying and putting something off, but we unconsciously do it as a way of distancing ourselves from all of our yeses. I worry that my success, happiness, or personal growth will outshine others or cause them to feel unhappy, left out, or abandoned. Starting to say no set me on a path of healing trauma, including my fear of abandonment and the pain and anger I carried from abuse. My body’s stress responses calmed down, the drama in my life dropped dramatically, and I’ve learned to navigate challenges when they do arise.Through profiles of others and candid anecdotes from her own life, Lue explains the various styles of and remedies to people pleasing (i.e., ignoring one’s own needs, wants, feelings, and opinions). She teaches readers how to say No when they’ve always automatically and resentfully said Yes. And, through vivid metaphors, she explains the mind-body connection of stress with greater relatability than can be found in similar works written by experts. When my father was diagnosed with bowel cancer in June 2016 after our being estranged for four years, everything I’d learned helped us have a beautiful, forgiving relationship in his final ten months. Afterward, as I wrestled with grief, turning forty, and feeling lost, yet again, no came to the rescue, allowing me to experience so much unexpected joy and bringing me to a place where I’m the most me I’ve ever been. When someone shows you who they are that’s *information*, not judgment of how “good” you’ve been or the effort you’ve made. It’s also not a punishment. Where do I even begin! Eighteen years and three weeks ago, I started writing Baggage Reclaim. I never imagined what it would lead to. All I’d set out to do was help at least *one* person avoid what I’d been through or to navigate their way out of an unhealthy situation. I wound up doing so much more.