My Grief Is Like the Ocean: A Story for Children Who Lost a Parent to Suicide

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Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.” Above all else, youprobably didn't realize that eventually, you'd come to accept your prognosis willingly—that in some ways, you'd even cherish your grief because, although it hurts, it's kind of nice to know that your loved one remains close enough to your heart that their absence will always have the capacity to make you feel a sad but tender ache. But the mountain path will call you many more times, and you will need to walk the path again, yet each time it will become easier. This is so true. I may be swimming in loss, but not drowning. Or I may go down for a while and feel like I am drowning, but finally surface to the top of the water. Or I may be calm. I remember four years after my mother’s death receiving a prestigious award and thinking I needed to go and call her. I cried when I remembered I could not. I am facing the death of several friends recently, when a memory of them punches me in the gut. I think I am dealing well with my hearing loss until I come home from a social gathering in tears because I have missed so much of the conversation. And everybody else around you is behaving as though this is all perfectly fine. And you’re like, “Wait a minute this isn’t … this isn’t right! This is a horror movie! This is not what I signed up for.” And they’re like, “Meh, it’s just a movie. Just eat the popcorn this is great!” Right?

Adriel Booker, an author, advocate, and provider of miscarriage and loss resources in Sydney, Australia, so eloquently writes of her experience: Margaret, your description of your grief resonates with me do much. I’ve been trying to describe it for many years, and you have just done that. Thank you for sharing your emotions. Over aggressively expressing anger that can hurt others, harm relationships, and threaten your job.I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. The reality of loss doesn’t immediately sink in. The consequences of loss can take years to manifest, sending a new wave of emotion when least expected. Waves of grief usually happen around the time of significant events that you missed out on, like your loved one’s graduation from college, wedding day, or retirement. Your emotions are unpredictable However, after my accident, I was unable to perform or play my instrument. I was out of work and I had lost all confidence in myself and my abilities, felt lost and with no direction. The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.

I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.”

9. Grief is not a sign of weakness

Though it can take a long time to overcome significant loss and grief, getting through it and surviving our grief by letting go is one of the healthy habits we can gain. What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” ~ Helen Keller Grief is like getting up every day to a job you hate and which you feel completely unskilled for. ~ Louise Even the loss of a job can bring with it waves of grief. We need to know even that feeling of loss and grief is OK.

At the time of the accident, I was having a fairly successful life as a musician in Chicago, which had included a recent appearance on Star Search 84′with Ed McMahon and preparing to be included in the group’s major independent recording contract. I have read it many times, and it always resonates with me. In the early stages of my grief, it would make me sadder, sometimes angrier. After a few months I felt let down by it’s truth. As if God, or life, or even my own husband could’ve prevented this painful life sentence I now have to carry forever. But unlike an ocean that you can sit and watch for hours to predict what’s coming next, grief is unpredictable, forceful, and at times relentless. You can help yourself get through these waves of emotions by bracing yourself for whatever comes next. Understand that the feelings are temporary and won’t make you drown when caught underneath them. Take a deep breath and wait for the emotions to subside. Turn to your spiritualityAs a ship far out in the deep ocean in a raging storm, we must learn to adjust our focus, direction, or heading and how to right the ship we will sail upon throughout our lives.

Grief is painful. There's no other way to get past the sometimes excruciating pain other than by allowing yourself to feel it. Once you go through the most painful part of your grief, you'll emerge a different person with a renewed sense of resiliency and a different outlook. Positively directing your energy from anger toward action, e.g., raising money for a cause, running a race, building a memorial, doing physical work, or participating in sports.

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Letting go and experiencing all that life offers out and ahead of us is a safe place to land when grief is like an ocean, and its waves of grief overwhelm us. Melinda Smith, M.A., Lawrence Robinson, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. write so well and clearly in their post, Coping with Grief and Loss.