Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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In some families these are steady waltzes, others dance side by side with little intimacy, others have dramatic tangoes and for some, there are dances that lead to emotional and physical injury. Those steady rhythm waltzes are predictable, comfortable and – really – what we need to feel secure. The passionate tango of Hollywood romances, unfortunately, doesn’t lead to an easy relationship. Resolving conflict between parents allows children to get on with being children (Photo: Peter Cade/Getty) Be aware that your way of doing things may be very different from your partner’s, even on the small stuff. An open mind helps, rather than an idea that one of you is right. See arguments about each other’s family as a joint problem, not something that your partner has to deal with on their own. Both people’s feelings are important, even if hard to hear. Even if you haven’t been able to agree on parenting decisions before now, this is the time to become as much of a team as you can. I spoke to Joanna Harrison – divorce lawyer turned couples counsellor and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have – about how to develop a good co-parenting relationship after separation. She told me: “It is all about building up trust, which the separation itself may have weakened, but which is required more than ever when children are between two households.”

Your feelings, and those of your ex and children, will be confusing for a while! You might have huge mixed emotions. Imagine that you are riding them, like a surfer on waves, rather than try and resolve and understand all of them at once. The waters will calm and things will feel smoother over time. Utilise those around you to help you surf them.Her new book is an essential read for couples and individuals who are experiencing difficulties in their relationships – from how they communicate to what roles they take on and much more (including difficulties about the washing up!). Some of these arguments, Harrison says, have a “playfulness”; they become more about expressing our individuality than the apparent subject. I can see how that might be, when you’ve lived with someone so long that your mind meld is total and you can look at a passing cat, both be reminded of the same minor incident in 2003, and then by some circuitous thought process say out loud, simultaneously: “We need more plasters.” We exert our independent existences by disagreeing about the correct place to store ketchup (the bin).

If your partner is telling you that you never listen to them it’s likely you’re going to hear the same complaint from them again and again. This indicates that couples need to adjust the way they communicate. This can improve the likelihood of getting through to each other. Having repairing conversations after an argument where you look at the argument from the outside and saying something like “what do you think made you feel so strongly about that?” can ensure that the important feelings have space to be heard. What happens when we bring a child into our dance? Either we ensure that our children get a steady rhythm, or they get pulled in a tug-of-war between us. Perhaps they become our dance partner, and their other parent is excluded from the dance. Or perhaps they have to learn complicated steps to keep up with us. This can be confusing, and leave them preoccupied with the dance rather than the crucial work of childhood – that of play, and dreaming, and building a sense of themselves in the world. You have actually got to find a way to deal with the domestic side of things, just rubbing along together,” says Harrison. “Then there’s a deeper level – it’s quite an easy stage for any difficult feelings to play out on.” This is undoubtedly true, as I often realise once I’m alone with the bins. Then I am free to explore what proportion of my resentment is about how undervalued I feel generally – I’m only really here to do the bins, I think – and how much of it is just about the bins. Jo believes there are five distinct issues that all couples have to work through if they are going to have a healthy, functioning relationship – inspiring her to write her new book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters.

What is crucial is that you hold on to respect for one another, as you move through this process. Matthew Fray, couples coach and author of This is How Your Marriage Ends, put it like this: “What is best for my child, without question, is that their parents are the best, healthiest people they can possibly be. Therefore, loving my child effectively requires love and care for their other parent. Trying to help them achieve whatever the best version of themselves is. Love doesn’t have to mean romantic love. Love can mean respect and care.” FALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out. A baby will jeopardise your relationship Most fights are horrible, but these entry-level spats, if you will, feel manageable. Buoyed by Harrison’s encouragement, I currently have five of my own, in various stages of their life cycle, on the go. I’m not sure what deeper truths they express, but they are: And we offer support and solidarity to parents over at the Facebook community I run, The Village – A Parenting Community for Humans ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/visforvillage) FALSE There are many kinds of affair, and this, says Abse, is key. “An affair can be an exit strategy, sure. But it can also be a protest – a way of bringing your partner’s attention to something that isn’t working for you in the relationship. If it’s that kind of affair, and you can work through why it happened with your partner, you can move on from it – providing apologies are given, reparations are made and forgiveness is forthcoming.” If you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on? A relationship is stronger if you share a bed

TRUE and FALSE What’s most interesting about cheating, says Real, isn’t why someone does it – that’s obvious (it’s exciting, it’s sexy, it’s a thrill). No: the interesting thing is why someone doesn’t do it. “Cheating is always selfish: it’s always about overriding what you should do. So if you’ve learned from it and moved on, then no, you won’t necessarily be a cheater again. But your partner might never feel 100% assured you won’t do it again. It’s important to understand that.” Marriage is just a piece of paper If you’re not married, you might imagine that it would be difficult to repeat such an argument, in virtually the same form, on a regular basis over a period of years. You imagine wrong. It’s easy. TRUE “For most people, a satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of a good relationship,” says Susanna Abse, psychoanalytic therapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from Couple Therapy. “While sex may not be the most important thing, it’s certainly an indicator of chemistry, and it matters – especially at the start. Also, if you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?” Your partner should know what you feel/needDon’t expect to feel the same about what needs doing. One of you may think the house needs to be tidier; the other may think this isn’t an issue. This probably isn’t going to go away unless you both change your expectations of what is actually possible.

FALSE If politics matters deeply to you then yes, says Bose, you need to be aligned. But if it doesn’t, voting for different political parties probably won’t unseat your relationship to any extent. “Much more important is sharing the same values: what’s important to you, what you truly believe matters. If you don’t agree on values, it seeps into your everyday life and can affect your relationship at a very deep level.” Relationship problems always come down to money or sex FALSE “The question I’d ask a couple,” says Real, “is: who is your community? Who is supporting you, and how have you signalled you need that support, that you value it for your relationship?” Few rituals are left in modern life, he says, and a marriage ceremony is one that includes others as well as the couple themselves. “There’s something transformative about it being an experience embedded in the community,” he says. “That’s why it mattered to fight for the legal right for gay couples to marry.” If a relationship needs therapy, it’s too lateI see a bit of that in the therapy,” says Harrison, “when people take the time to learn about how to have that conversation.” Is it essentially about learning from one’s mistakes, instead of repeating them? As one parent told me: “There have been so many different emotions and phases since separating. The immediate phase after separation felt unbearable, and isolating. In the next stage, I started to learn about and set (and keep resetting) boundaries. This set the foundation for moving forward and regaining agency in my life. The current phase I’m in has an underlying sense of confidence and tenacity.” FALSE “In fact, they always come down to one thing: communication,” says Harrison. “Money and sex are taboo subjects in many families, and we all bring our family baggage to any relationship. But the issues aren’t about these things per se, they’re about being able to talk about these things – and everything else that matters.” It’s always obvious when a relationship is over The Five Arguments are in fact five broad categories of argument, on the following themes: how we communicate; how we deal with our families; how we deal with chores; how we manage distance; and how we feel about each other’s bodies. Throughout the book we are introduced to couples – Sarah and Tomas, Ryan and Josh, Evie and Ashley – having the sort of deeply familiar arguments that always seem to end this way: