Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love

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There are attachment-specific therapies, such as schema therapy or attachment-based therapy, but any type of therapy or counseling can be helpful. Find a Surrogate Attachment Figure This means not allowing others to treat you poorly and demanding they respect you and your needs. It also means you respect yourself and trust yourself to know what is best for you. Here is some advice on establishing boundaries: Securely attached people seek reassurance and comfort from significant others when they are experiencing distress – This is considered a healthy and effective coping strategy. Expert psychotherapist and couples' counsellor Jessica Baum has over ten years' experience helping her clients discover the mutually supportive relationships they deserve. In Anxiously Attached, she shares the groundbreaking research and practical tools you need to understand your core attachment patterns and form healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Therefore, feeling less anxious and more secure in relationships means healing yourself, building your self-esteem, and taking control of your emotions and behaviors. To cope with these emotions and to avoid feeling rejected, they subconsciously employ “hyperactivating strategies.”

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably spend much of your time ruminating about other people, especially your romantic partners and close friends.

They may believe that the responsibility lies with their partner/friend/family member, and that if these individuals were more caring, supportive, and loving, they would not experience this kind of anxiety. From the start to the end, I felt validated in ways that I haven't really felt before, in ways that took the difficult parts of myself and my relationship with attachments, abandonment, and connections and gave it understanding. When anxiously attached people experience an emotional trigger, they are faced with an intense fear of abandonment that stems from traumatic or unstable childhood experiences. To avoid this feeling (and actual abandonment), they often go to extreme measures. Examples of hyperactivating strategies include:Communicate your feelings and needs to your significant other without becoming emotional – stay calm and assertive As a communication tool in a relationship “this is how things sometimes look to me, maybe you can understand” I think this book is fantastic. I think you create a shared language about avoidance and asking for your needs to be met that is really positive and healthy. Individuals with anxious attachment style typically have an overwhelming need for interpersonal approval, exhibit a strong desire for close emotional connections, and worry about being abandoned or rejected by their partners. That does not mean you cannot share your feelings with other people and seek reassurance and encouragement from them. It just means you can soothe your own distress without relying on other people to do that for you. Ongoing Covid restrictions, reduced air and freight capacity, high volumes and winter weather conditions are all impacting transportation and local delivery across the globe.

When doing these, it’s best to start small and work your way up, as the anxiety might be quite high at first. With Anxiously Attached, Jessica Baum shares relatable, real-life insights into the underlying relationship issues faced by so many in our era of disconnection. Her empowering, actionable tools for becoming ‘self-full’ take the self-love and self-care movements to the next level.” Not only did it teach me about the different attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. It also taught me how to identify my core wounds and begin to heal them, so that they don’t affect the current relationships in my life, or any future ones I might enter. As anxious individuals learn to heal their past wounds, trust and rely on others, and develop a more confident sense of self, they will grow to feel more assured and loved in their relationships. Educate Yourself on Attachment Theory

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The other struggle for us comes in the form of the popular message that being loved by another is what determines our worth—something many of us have found resonates with our core wound. Our Little Me can’t help but believe, Well, if this partner loves me, then I must be worthy of love. After all, this is what we have been waiting for since childhood: someone to love us so we see our worth reflected in their eyes. Rather than risk finding out that this partner can’t love us, we overextend, ignore our own needs, and squash down our anger because it might push our partner away. In other words, we become selfless to protect ourselves from feeling once again that we are unworthy of love. Between what our culture has taught us and what we have experienced as children, our Inner Protectors push and push: “You must try harder, do more, lose more weight to prove to them that you are worthy.” But the truth is that real self-worth comes from within, and from an inner knowing that you have nothing to prove, and that you are always worthy of love. Doing this work is when we discover that we are neither “less than” or “better than” anybody else—that we are, in fact, “just right” as we are. Other common examples of self-care include: journaling, practicing mindfulness, going to therapy, spending time in nature, or seeking social support from loved ones. our adult relationships fulfill two different—but equally important—roles: the need to see and know ourselves through the eyes of another in a way that allows us to feel supported and safe, and the satisfaction of long-term intimacy with another. Distrust: Anxious individuals generally distrust other people and themselves. They are haunted by the belief that others do not love them as much as they do and that they will eventually reject and abandon them. They do not trust their ability to cope with life and fear being alone.