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Heathers the Musical

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KURT’S DAD - Straight-laced, very conservative, also former football player. A simple guy, not book smart, you’d be happy to share a beer with him. KURT’S DAD: Straight-laced, very conservative, also former football player. A simple guy, not book smart, you’d be happy to share a beer with him. ISBN978-0-573-70382-9 www.SamuelFrench.com www.SamuelFrench-London.co.uk FOR PRODUCTION ENQ.UIRIES UNITED STATES AND CANADA Boy 3: I don’t want trouble. You’re gonna die at 3 PM. Girl 1: D on’t you dare touch me! Girl 3: Get away, pervert! Boy 3: What did I ever do to them? Students: W ho could survive this? I can’t escape this! I think I’m dying! Ms. Fleming: W ho’s that with Heather? Students: Woah. Heather, Heather, Heather… Heather D enters. Girl 3: … And someone! Students: H eather, Heather, Heather… Heather M enters. …And a babe! Heather C enters. Students: H eather, Heather, Heather… …Veronica? Students: V eronica, Veronica, Veronica! Veronica runs on­stage. And you know, you know, you know, Life can be­ All: ­ beautiful. You hope, you dream, you pray, And you get your way!

Removal of curse words as well as onstage smoking, drinking and R-rated sexual scenes (note: there are still PG-13 sexual scenes). We're not special. We're not different. We don't choose who lives or dies. Let's be normal. See bad movies, Sneak a beer and watch TV. We'll bake brownies, Or go bowling, Don't you want a life with me? Can't we be seventeen? That's all I want to do. If you could let me in, I could be good with you. People hurt us, Or they vanish. And you're right, it really blows. But we let go, Take a deep breath, And go buy some summer clothes. We'll go camping, Play some poker, And we'll eat some chili fries. JD turns and looks at Veronica, who holds out a hand to him. Maybe prom night? Maybe dancing? Don't stop looking in my eyes. Your eyes. JD starts walking towards Veronica. JD, Veronica: C an't we be seventeen? Is that so hard to do? If you could let me in, I could be good with you. JD takes Veronica's hand. OFFICER MILNER BIG BUD DEAN - JD’s single Dad. Big jolly personality that barely conceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the surface. Quite possibly a serial bomber. HEATHER DUKE - 17. Whipping-girl of the 3 Heathers. When she finally becomes Queen Bee, she wields power like a bulldozer. HEATHER DUKE - 17. Whipping-girl of the 3 Heathers. When she finally becomes Queen Bee she wields power like a bulldozer. Alto for chorus. Voice: Strong belt to C, D preferred. Alto for chorus. NOTE: in certain choral songs Heather Duke and Mac can switch vocal parts as needed.

Writers

BIG BUD DEAN: J.D.’s single dad. Big jolly personality that barely conceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the surface. Quite possibly a serial bomber. SPECIAL THANKS Whitney Engstrom, Amanda Alpert-Muscat, Kristen Gura and the cast, crew, and designers of our various developmental readings and our workshop production in Los Angeles Shut up, Heather! Sorry, Heather. JD enters. Heather Chandler is gone… It’s up to me to replace her. Replace Heather Chandler? Please. You need to worry less about me, and more about your reputation. Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school about your little threeway last night. Threeway? Oh… But there was no threeway, nothing happened. I remember differently. I seem to remember there was a­ Kurt, Ram, and another student enter. Kurt, Ram: Big swordfight in her mouth! Boy 1: And she allowed it? Kurt, Ram: Big swordfight in her mouth! Heather D, Heather M: I t sure sounds crowded! And then we both went south, And planted our flags, My big salami, Kurt, Ram: Ba­bent her over like origami! More students enter. Students: W hoa­oh­oh! Whoa­oh­oh! Whoa­oh­oh! Whoa­oh­oh! Everybody was sword fighting, In her mouth! Yes, we're convinced it, Went down right in her mouth!

The band was as follows: Conductor/Keyboard ........................ Guitars ....................................... Students: W hine. Go on and bitch and moan. Students: W hine. You don’t deserve the dream. Students: W hine. You’re gonna die alone . Heather D and the students close in on Heather M.. Heather D, Students: D ie alone, die alone, Die alone, die alone! Heather M chugs the contents of the bottle. Heather D and the students dissipate. Veronica runs onstage. No! No, no, stop, stop! Veronica and Heather fall to the ground, and Heather starts crying. Suicide is a private thing! Throwing your life away to be a statistic in USA Today? That's like the least private thing I can think of. But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt? If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you? Heather nods, ashamed. Probably. Veronica takes Heather's hand. If you were happy every single day of your life, then you wouldn't be a human, you'd be a game show host. Heather spits out the pills. Thanks for coming after me. You're welcome. Replace “Blue” with “You're Welcome,” a new song created by the authors that adds Veronica's perspective.From the day we finished shooting,” laughs Falk. “Winona has wanted to do another one. We all laughed at her saying ‘I want a sequel’. But now because the film has had such an amazing life over the years, that it might be amazing.” HEATHER CHANDLER – (17) The richest, hottest, cruelest girl in town. Relishes power and wields it without fear, patience, or mercy. Voice: strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. NOTE: In certain choral songs, CHANDLER can switch parts with the other HEATHERS as needed.

HEATHER DUKE – (17) The whipped beta dog of the three Heathers. Deeply insecure. When she finally becomes Queen Bee, she wields power like a bulldozer. Voice: strong belt to C, D preferred. Alto for chorus. NOTE: In certain choral songs, DUKE and MCNAMARA can switch vocal parts as needed. Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Resentful of today’s entitled youth, protective of the underdogs. Despite a penchant for self-promotion, genuinely cares about the students in her charge. Holy shit! Veronica looks into the mug and is horrified. Oh my God. Oh my God! Don’t just stand there, call 911! It’s a little late for that. Heather! Heather. Heather. Oh my God. Oh my God, I just killed my best friend! And your worst enemy. Same difference! I mean­ the police are gonna think that I did this on purpose. Oh my God, they’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin. Unless… Oh, look, she was reading “The Bell Jar”. Oh no. Oh, yes. You can fake her handwriting. Just make it sound deep. Like this: I had pain in my path, Like Silvia Plath, My problems were myriad­ I was having my period. Veronica laughs at her own joke for longer than necessary before realizing the dead body on the floor and screaming. Oh my God! You think this is funny? You could go to jail! Get your head on straight, now! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Heather would never use the word myriad because she missed it on her vocab quiz last week. So, it’s a badge for her failures at school. Work with me. Okay, okay. Um. Where do I start? Think. Long and hard. What would she say? What’s her­ her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet? Veronica grabs a pad of paper and starts writing. Uh, Dear World, uh… VERONICA’S MOM - Easygoing, distant, yet capable of laying down the law. Voice: Great belt up to C, higher always welcome.Well, if you want it to come true, then meet me at the cemetery. At dawn. Veronica hangs up the phone. Free pussy! And we don't even have to buy it a pizza! What?! They fist­bump and run off­stage giddily. We can start and finish wars, JD, Veronica: W e're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue. The dinosaurs choked on the dust, They died because God said they must. The new world needed room, For me and you. I worship you. I'd trade my life for yours. We’ll make them disappear, We'll plant our garden here… Plant our garden here. Our love is God. Our love is God. Our love is God. Our love is God. Our love is God. JD approaches Veronica with a gun in his hand. Veronica stares in a horrified fascination. Whoa, wow… Is that real? Yeah… But we're filling it with "Ich Luge" bullets. Ich Luge...? What? My grandad scored them in World War II. They contain this powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis

Voice: strong baritone/tenor, power Country/Gospel belt to G, even higher better. NOTE: Sometimes this actor has played BIG BUD/COACH instead of PRINCIPAL GOWAN. NEW WAVE GIRL (GIRL 1) - A sullen New Wave girl. Voice: Belt to at least C# (a Soprano up to high A/B is also a plus).HEATHER CHANDLER - 17. Richest, hottest, most magnetic, cruelest girl in town. Relishes power and wields it like a scalpel – no fear, no patience, no mercy. Also plays Dead Heather Chandler. Voice: Strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. NOTE: In certain choral songs Chandler can switch parts with her other Heathers as needed. MS. FLEMING - Aging hippie teacher, still yearning for the day the Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Hungry for the spotlight, resentful of entitled youth. Voice: baritone/tenor, power Country/Gospel belt to A♭, higher welcome. NOTE: Sometimes this actor has played PRINCIPAL GOWAN instead of BIG BUD / COACH. authority when I tell you that the way to eliminate suicide is by first eliminating fear by creating answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him.

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